I am upset. We’re told to “Wear a mask”. Then we’re told “Don’t wear a mask”. Now I can’t go to a restaurant without proving that I’ve been vaccinated. Enough is enough!

I’m going to open up my own restaurant (I’ll come up with a name later). All are welcome. It doesn’t matter what communicable disease you have, even Yersinia pestis; we won’t ask. Your medical condition is your personal information, so again, we won’t ask and don’t need to know. Is that HIPPA? Who cares? We don’t. Just come on in.

At my restaurant you’ll love the salad bar without that pesky sneeze guard – just turn your head if you cough or sneeze! All meals will be available in enormous portions with family style sides – sharing is my rule. At the outdoor barbecue pit you’ll be able to eat with your hands, medieval style – no forks here! The bar will serve all types of drinks and [I’m excited about this one] you can share with your friends our super-size communal drinks – no straws. What a wonderful way to come together.

Don’t forget to inquire about my business party plans, that will be held at the open barbecue pit. Work together, play together, that’s our motto. What a way to instill a good working relationship – this is true bonding.

And for my religious friends, come after church or your place of worship and bring your family. There’s absolutely no need to worry about any kind of masks or vaccine identifications. We welcome everybody. And for a glorious libation, make sure to ask for our extra large wine goblet that you can pass around the table and share with the whole family, even the little ones (we won’t card anyone even the children). We believe parents have the power to decide whether their children should wear masks or drink alcohol.

We won’t even ask you to wash your hands. Nope, you won’t find any signs on our bathroom doors except for Men’s Bathroom & Women’s Bathroom signs. And because we care about the environment, you’ll find no paper napkins or straws, only cloth napkins made in America that you can share with the person next to you.

When will it open? As soon as I am able to clear some of those unfair and unconstitutional health regulations.

Unfortunately I will only accept a CASH PAYMENT at the end of your dinner – No credit cards or checks. I can’t take any chance that you’ll be alive to pay your bills after you leave.